Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Life in Otisburg

Imagine if you will an exciting scene from the 1978 film Superman...

A very exciting scene...

Underground resident Lex Luthor is discussing the "New West Coast" with Superman, and he has his hapless henchman Otis lay down a placard on a map of North America, replacing old west coast with "New".

"Costa Del Lex, Luthorville, Marina Del Lex, Otisburg..."
"Otisburg?" asks Lex Luthor incredulously, looking down at the poorly-spelled word written in grimey-black crayon.
"Miss Teschmacher, she's got her own place," Otis says.
"Otisburg?"
"It's a little bitty place!"
"OTISBURG?"
And Otis is stuck removing the word, and his brief little dream, with a dirty dish towel.

Isn't that an exciting scene?  Or is it dull...D - U - L - L...dull?

Now, just what would Otisburg be like if it exists?  Would it be populated by the elite of the country, run by the best minds our educational system could provide?  Or would it be populated by those whose brains "...can barely generate enough power to keep those legs moving"?  And would it be run by those who think they are smarter than a fifth grader, yet filled with a lot of hot air? 

So, in looking for such a place, one has to look on the internet.  Remember, these guys are too lame to put hammer to nail; they need something requiring no more than a few hours a day sitting around in their underwear in their stale little messy bedrooms while Dad is downstairs shouting obscenities at the television again.  The antenna on the roof needs adjusting, and Dad doesn't have a ladder. 

So, let's call our man in the underwear Otis.  All of the citizens populating Otisburg are named Otis; they gotta match Ned Beatty's character from the a fore-mentioned movie.  Meaning that they have to be nincompoops.  Idiots are welcomed with pomp and ceremony involving a lot of four-letter words; dimwits, halfwits, malcontents, the brain-damaged, the brain-dead, and those persons who tend to see a lot of revolving colors due to casual use of pharmaceuticals legal or otherwise are also welcomed in like-manner.  Those that hate God are worshipped.  Go figure that one out.

And Otisburg has to be dull.  D - U - L - L.  The collection of nincompoops calling themselves Otis has to have a site so dull that flies drop from sheer boredom.  There's a lot of dead flies on the smelly carpet in Otis' bedroom; it's been, what, twelve years since he graduated from high school?  But, Otis is there, in his underwear, plugging away on his keyboard, making Otisburg attractive in his mind only.  Lots of four-letter words in every paragraph.  Four-letter words are standard in Otisburg, in keeping with the intelligence requirements of the site.

And what does the site offer?  Over-kill usage of the word "rational."  Apparently, rational people these days sit around in their underwear banging on keyboards in smelly bedrooms with a lot of dead flies on the floor.  So, Otis is there, writing in his lofty, majestic style which reminds one of another, lofty, majestic work under the collective title Dick and Jane...

"The Book of Ruth is short. Really, really short."

Otis can provide the location of a great many things...

"Dr. Dennett's beard, seen here attached to the person named Daniel Dennett."

Otis can describe Kentucky...

"Kentucky is the world's leading producer of jelly because its horses are fingerlickin' good."

Otis tries his hand at giving advice while making an article look "authoritative"...

"On occasion, you can think better of someone by assuming that, rather than malicious, they are merely stupid."

Otis can describe objects...

"Radio is like television without the amusing graphics. Or an internet that does not require the ability to read and with significantly fewer cat pictures."

Otis can predict the future...

"All the whites are gonna die really soon!"

Otis is an expert in language...

"Dude doesn't know his Latin."

Otis claims to be an expert in history...

"Note also that during the Cold War, ramming or getting rammed by a Commie submarine could have far-reaching political consequences, so both parties tended to whistle innocently and pretend that nothing had happened."

Otis has seen Bigfoot...

"In the Appalachian region, we simply call them "Grandpa gone bad." In spite of their primitive appearance, they are usually fine hands with a homemade still."

And Otis is good at hiding the guilty...

"The Mary Celeste was a merchant ship that disappeared in November 1872 only to turn up intact on December 4th 1872, but with the crew forced to abandon ship after being boarded by Daleks missing."

Yesserie, quite a rational man, Otis is.  You would expect that such a wonderful site as Otisburg would be extremely stellar in the ratings, but, well, this is Otisburg.  No reading ability required.

It's what you get when you have a bunch of nincompoops pretending to have something more in their heads than a half-dozen marbles.

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